Need to feel

I saw this documentary yesterday http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YR2FgxalCU&feature=related Watched all 4 parts.

When the narrator started telling about the Sioux's I was surprised of my own reactions. I sat there and just felt so sad and felt like crying! He only described them, where they came from and where they lived, how they lived, moved etc. Still I just wanted to cry.... Esp. when he mentioned the Lakota's I had to fight not to cry my eyes out.... Narrator talked about different tribes both before and after the Sioux, but that didn't cause any reactions. IMO I do believe I have an old soul. That I have lived multiple lives, and that I def. have been Native American at one time in the history of Earth.

I also had one of my best friends over for a visit last night. I have known her for many years, and we've supported each other through some pretty rough times. I decided I wanted to tell her about my experiences the last few weeks. I started talking, but I burst into tears. I finally got myself together so much I could express my feelings and experiences, and my dreams and plans for the future. I also mentioned "think-I-am-going-crazy" to her, and she said: "You are not crazy, cause I know you. I have never seen you reacting like this by anything before. You could chose to help anyone in the world! There are lots of tragedies around the globe. But there must be something really special for you to react so strongly about helping exactly this community. I truly envy you. I envy the fact that you know what you want to do with your future. And I admire you for wanting to help someone and make a difference." She is right.

I have watched a lot of documentaries. I love documentaries. I have watched the poor children in Rio de Janeiro living underground in old sewage pipes, sniffing glue and prostituting to make a few nickles. They have nothing. I have watched orphanages in Eastern Europe where they beat the children and leave them tied up in their beds. The kids never getting cared for except barely getting their physical needs met. No one hugs them or cuddles them. They get sores from lying in their beds all the time. Most of these children ad physically or mentally disabled. I have shed tears watching these, but never reacted or felt even close to what i did watching the documentary from Pine Ridge. I know I can make a big difference in a few years. I will have the funds to do a lot, cause I am blessed.

Four weeks ago I was searching the internet looking at designer houses, and dreaming of the day I could live on one of these million dollar estates. A big house with panorama windows. A view to the sea, and a beautiful garden and a pool in the back. These things doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't want a big house, and I certainly don't need one, living on my own. I want to feel like and be a part of something greater. I want to make a difference. I want to feel like I belong somewhere, cause I've never felt at home anywhere or any place. Not even in my own family, except for when I was with my brother. Now he is gone, I feel more distant from my family than ever.

As I said in an earlier post, when I

saw that Norwegian journalists documentary I got such a strong "feeling" (can't even find the words to describe it) that those people are MY people, and I have to go HOME. I still feel that, and it's getting more and more clear that this is what I have to do. I am planning on visiting Pine Ridge. Maybe next year. I need to go there and get confirmation. See if my feelings are telling me that this is where I belong, and if this is truly my life mission. I need to feel...