Need to feel

I saw this documentary yesterday http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YR2FgxalCU&feature=related Watched all 4 parts.

When the narrator started telling about the Sioux's I was surprised of my own reactions. I sat there and just felt so sad and felt like crying! He only described them, where they came from and where they lived, how they lived, moved etc. Still I just wanted to cry.... Esp. when he mentioned the Lakota's I had to fight not to cry my eyes out.... Narrator talked about different tribes both before and after the Sioux, but that didn't cause any reactions. IMO I do believe I have an old soul. That I have lived multiple lives, and that I def. have been Native American at one time in the history of Earth.

I also had one of my best friends over for a visit last night. I have known her for many years, and we've supported each other through some pretty rough times. I decided I wanted to tell her about my experiences the last few weeks. I started talking, but I burst into tears. I finally got myself together so much I could express my feelings and experiences, and my dreams and plans for the future. I also mentioned "think-I-am-going-crazy" to her, and she said: "You are not crazy, cause I know you. I have never seen you reacting like this by anything before. You could chose to help anyone in the world! There are lots of tragedies around the globe. But there must be something really special for you to react so strongly about helping exactly this community. I truly envy you. I envy the fact that you know what you want to do with your future. And I admire you for wanting to help someone and make a difference." She is right.

I have watched a lot of documentaries. I love documentaries. I have watched the poor children in Rio de Janeiro living underground in old sewage pipes, sniffing glue and prostituting to make a few nickles. They have nothing. I have watched orphanages in Eastern Europe where they beat the children and leave them tied up in their beds. The kids never getting cared for except barely getting their physical needs met. No one hugs them or cuddles them. They get sores from lying in their beds all the time. Most of these children ad physically or mentally disabled. I have shed tears watching these, but never reacted or felt even close to what i did watching the documentary from Pine Ridge. I know I can make a big difference in a few years. I will have the funds to do a lot, cause I am blessed.

Four weeks ago I was searching the internet looking at designer houses, and dreaming of the day I could live on one of these million dollar estates. A big house with panorama windows. A view to the sea, and a beautiful garden and a pool in the back. These things doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't want a big house, and I certainly don't need one, living on my own. I want to feel like and be a part of something greater. I want to make a difference. I want to feel like I belong somewhere, cause I've never felt at home anywhere or any place. Not even in my own family, except for when I was with my brother. Now he is gone, I feel more distant from my family than ever.

As I said in an earlier post, when I

saw that Norwegian journalists documentary I got such a strong "feeling" (can't even find the words to describe it) that those people are MY people, and I have to go HOME. I still feel that, and it's getting more and more clear that this is what I have to do. I am planning on visiting Pine Ridge. Maybe next year. I need to go there and get confirmation. See if my feelings are telling me that this is where I belong, and if this is truly my life mission. I need to feel...

Lakota at heart

It all started when I saw a documentary on NRK (the Norwegian broadcasting corporation) about the Pine Ridge Indian Reservation. A Norwegian journalist visited the reservation ten yrs, ago, and now he was back to update the story. Little had changed. and what had changed was for the worse. I cried for the proud indigenous Lakota's. These are the stats for the reservation: http://www.backpacksforpineridge.com/Stats_About_Pine_Ridge.html It's far from uplifting.

I started my research. I searched all over the internet for information about the Indigenous people of America. And every time the Lakota was mentioned, I started crying. I couldn't help myself, and started wondering why? Then I got a feeling I had been one of them myself. In another time, another life. I saw the movie "Bury my heart at Wounded Knee", and I cried through the whole movie. I am crying now as I write about it. Something deep within me gets really upset, and I just can't stop crying. These people are my relatives, my brothers and sisters, I am sure of it. I've seen dozens of documentaries and cried millions of tears for the past few weeks. My strong instincts, my intuition if you will, draws me to the Oglala Lakota's.

So I have learned about the Lakota's past, and present. Now what about the future for these people? My people! It's a disgrace they have to live in such poor conditions and in such great poverty. It's a shame.

I started thinking what can I do? I searched through hundreds of support organizations, voluntary organizations etc. I live too far away to do anything immediate. I don't have the money to donate at the moment, but I will asap. SO, what can I do? I can dream, and I can plan for the future. I can research, and learn about their proud heritage. Their wonderful spirituality and culture. Their history..

I know I will have a lot of resources later in life. (I am truly blessed!) That be time and money, which both are crucial for wanting to put my dream into life in the future. I want to be a part of this society. I want to do everything I can to help. I want to fund build/ restore houses, fix plumbing, electricity, water, sewage etc. I want to help give hope to the children and teenagers. get the suicide rates down. Help them feel proud of who they are, where they come from and hopes and dreams for the future. Have them play, live and laugh in a safe and healthy environment.

Yes, I am white. I haven't even been across the Atlantic Ocean. No, I don't know anything about being Native American, or life in the reservation, or hundreds of years of being betrayed. But I know about life and I certainly know about loss. I do have lots of love and respect for the Native people of America. I can empathize, although I have no clue what they are going through. I can, however, try to imagine how it feels, and put myself in his/ hers situation....